i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
