after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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