it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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