My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
