Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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