david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
