my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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