i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
