I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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