Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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