Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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