I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
