Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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