pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
