Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
