The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize