Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
