It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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