apparently the secret to your success is patron
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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