A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
