He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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