Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Girls should come with a carfax report
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
