just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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