you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
