How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
