listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
