sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
