evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Jerry, you need to find god
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
