somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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