I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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