Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize