woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
