I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
