I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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