my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize