I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
