Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
