Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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