At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
