Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
