At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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