It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
