just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
