I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
