So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
