How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
