woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
