I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
