help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
