Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
