My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
