haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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