Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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