you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
