I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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